Selected letters of The Narcissist

dostoevsky

Selected letters of The Narcissist

Notes from underground : Fyodora

Humility. Heh.. What is humility? I will tell you what humility is; it is a farce; it’s a mere sham dire farce. It’s a mask that these insufferable blockheads use in the most vain attempt to enshroud the height of their sanctimonious, and contemptuous Madame de Maintenon personas.

I do not believe in the appeal of what they call this “humble” behavior, this unadulterated “virgin” like behavior. I’d never dare to partake in any such behavior, and find it desperate, pathetic, and as inadequate upon frolicking with a virgin leading to an anticlimactic dismal affair. Continue reading “Selected letters of The Narcissist”

How did that BEAST get that BEAUTY?

The Beasts & The Beauties

You ever see a beautiful woman with a man that makes Shrek and Don Rickles look f*ckable, and wonder how the hell did he manage to get her? Then find out this repugnant creature cheats on and divorces that woman? I have experience in dating the most unsightly creatures who live amongst us. So, I figured why not lend some insight.

First and foremost let me begin by saying that I am a very sensitive person. I am a very emotional person. If i cannot connect with someone emotionally, they could have a 12 pack, tall, dark, handsome, etc… and it would do nothing for me. However let me say this, if I can count how many packs you have from 100 yards away…I am sorry, but that is a bit a too much. I personally do not find that attractive. If your abs are that defined…there is some deep pathology I have no desire to invest in analyzing. That is just ..SICK!

Nevertheless, I am a sucker for personality. Intelligence and humor can make a 2 become an instant 10. I am typically dry as hell, but I mean this in all sincerity. Some of the men I have met, I would have died for betting my life, that I could never find them attractive, but then I did. Now, these men by no means were rich, or had “a huge penis”.  In fact, I am not into the big penises…I don’t find that attractive or in any way “shape or form” appealing. Hell, as long as you are jewish below the waist – I am good. Like I said I am a sensitive person, emotionally AND physically. If you are above average, hell if you are even average, chances are that is too big for me. So, let us just drop the myth regarding “unattractive” men either having a huge dick , or huge wallet, as the reason for a “beautiful” woman to fall for them. I assure you that is not the case. And yes, I did imply I am beautiful. SHAME ME! – Half you people write comments daily about how beautiful I am, and god forbid the one time I agree, I am crucified. My therapist could die happy knowing I have finally said that I am BEAUTIFUL! HAHA

Unfortunately the men I have dated were not exactly the most “emotionally stable”. Now, I am truly insane, by no means am I emotionally stable, however I am a very fine communicator of my feelings. I am an adult, and I communicate as one would expect an adult to communicate. Naturally this isn’t the case with every adult / male or female. Back to the men I have dated – Aside from the emotional instability, I would find out these men once had addictions, or were at the time currently “sober”. When you have a connection with someone these “issues” do not seem like a major issue because after all they were “addicts”. PAST-TENSE. “Addict” interchangeable with the word “liar”. I will probably get a lot of heat from this, but it is the truth. If you are an addict, you are a liar. You are lying to yourself first and foremost. Until you admit you have a problem… anyway. Now here is the problem with addicts. Especially unattractive addicts. Their mo is running away – or avoidance. That is how they operate. They do not DEAL with their problems. They drink them away – snort them away – inject them away…whatever the case may be – smoke them away… etc…They do not DEAL with their problems. As soon as one thing goes wrong, as they say – they go back on the shit. Whether it be gradual, a drink here or there, or just one night drinking themselves into an oblivion -That depends on the individual’s situation.

You have to understand, the issues that provoke this behavior, are not trivial matters..These are deep profound clinical issues. This is major trauma that has NOT ever been dealt with in other words AVOIDED. Major emotional trauma that will probably never be dealt with. Whether they were not held enough as a child, or ever truly loved, or whatever the hell the case may be pick your cliche… The fact remains, these individuals despite how they may manipulate their social media accounts or act in public – they are not secure and they are not happy. They are very insecure people. Their self worth is nonexistent. Whatever love or appreciation they can muster for themselves time after time usually is decimated by any events that trigger anger or sadness, or fear of rejection, or fear of being truly loved, within them.

So now you ask – how could someone this inadequate cheat on someone who is not only beautiful, emotionally stable, intelligent, kind, honest, monogamous, NOT AN ADDICT – no kids, no ex lovers, no baggage etc… How could this be possible? The answer: FEAR.
The only way to remedy their fear or anxiety is having control – Or the idea that they are in control. Regardless how reassuring their partner is that they care about them or love them, it does not have much weight. At the end of the day they do not have self worth, or enough to feel they are worthy of someone they feel is better than them which translates to someone who can DO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM. So, again – PUSSIES! Afraid of rejection – afraid of being loved and not worthy of being loved – Alas -They run – they run into the arms of trash.

You hear it all the time in the “news”. (That is another rant – how celebrity culture has become NEWS…disgusting) This gorgeous actress- with this slob…then this slob leaves this gorgeous actress for a damn near PROSTITUTE…? The public cannot grasp this! They cannot fathom such a tragedy! It is pretty freakin’ simple ladies and gentleman! There is less FEAR- They are not so much attracted to the person, it is more that they are attracted to the idea of someone who is as insecure and inadequate as they are, and less likely to run off with someone more deserving, because after all their new “partners” self worth is non existent as well.

And for the record – not all WOMEN like AS*HOLES. I have never dated anyone who was an “as*hole” to me – in the beginning. As soon as they became “as*holes” – I was done. I have no desire to date a man who cannot treat a woman with respect. There are enough women out there who will – so you can take your pick at any of them. I on the other hand – am too good for you!

take the JOB out of BLOW JOB

take the JOB out of BLOW JOB

Nothing frustrates me more than frustrated married women, or frustrated women in relationships. As much as it disgusts me to hear women express their displeasure when the store doesn’t have the latest Jimmy Choo’s in their size..then proceed to break out their living will and cry incessantly till their “bestie” suggests to do a mani/pedi/ and indulge in a Tall, Half-Caff, Soy Latte At 120 Degrees to cheer them up. Shit..I veered off onto the path of female lunacy for a minute. I am sorry but I cannot respect a woman who can utter the word BESTIE. Nevertheless..As much as that disgusts me, nothing disgusts me more than women who complain about their husbands always wanting a blow job. Now before the onslaught of remarks commence… such as: “Oh well…Sam..you are not married and you have no idea what it is like or what you are talking about..Oh well Sam marriage changes everything…” Let me say this…if your sex life is non existent or has plummeted heavily post marriage then you are in a terrible fucking marriage! I am beyond dumbfounded by the ungodly, harrowing, fucking consensus amongst married individuals how they tout once you are married your sex life is over. Yeah…Maybe if you are married to the wrong fucking person! That is NOT a healthy marriage. Just because you settled, or got married as an act of convenience, or were approaching “the age” and all your friends were married…etc.. etc….That most certainly does not make you an expert on married couple sex lives. In fact, you know NOTHING! Now, I recently had dinner with three women and one of them mentioned how their husband’s birthday is coming up ..Her exact words were as follows: “I hope he doesn’t think because it’s his birthday I am going to be giving him head. All he is getting is the lingerie from last year”. The other two women erupted with laughter; Naturally, I was appalled. I can’t imagine feeling this way towards someone I am supposedly “in love with”. I don’t know what is worse…The part about the blow job or the part about the lingerie! I truly feel for this poor sorry son of  bitch…Godspeed to you sir.

I will admit there was a time a blow job was most certainly a job or chore. There was nothing appealing about it….I won’t get into details. However, I met someone that I had really strong feelings for not too long ago and dare I say I might have been falling in love with this guy. Naturally, that is why it had to end – HA! That shit was scary as fuck! Another post for another time…Bottom line is, that was the first time in my life I actually enjoyed giving head. I never thought the day would come ( fuck you and your puns) that I would actually say “That was some good dick”. Now, I had dated people in the past and I still did it with a smile, but “deep down inside” the last thing I wanted to do was stick a dick in my mouth. This one particular guy, I can’t explain it…I just really enjoyed sucking his dick. THERE I SAID IT! The fact that I really cared about this person, made giving a “Blow job” nearly a necessity on my part..I craved it more than donuts and cupcakes and chocolate! I actually felt immense pleasure from the act because he felt immense pleasure. All the feelings of disgust I had towards blow jobs from past experiences had quickly waned and were renewed with feelings of excitement and joy! If you care deeply about someone you should want to make them feel good..not feel you have to.

It is very difficult for me to date because I have very high standards. Well maybe just one requirement : Honesty. You can keep the rest…Rich guys, tall guys, hot guys, smart guys, funny guys, come a dime a dozen. Honest guys are like those rare Susan B Anthony Coins. I love sex just as much as any man and I enjoy giving head just as much as any man enjoys receiving it. Only issue is, I just can’t engage with “any man”. I don’t enjoy casual sex…I am at an age where I just can’t do it. The men I date are typically 5-10 years older, and there is no way in hell I am letting a 40 year old penis penetrate any part of my body…God only knows where that has been within the 40 years of its existence. I can wait till I get to know someone and allow trust to grow before that goes anywhere near my mouth!  Now back to married bitches who complain about giving a blow job. Yes, this frustrates me! So, you are trying to tell me every morning you wake up and every night before you go to sleep – that you have a penis you can suck and you chose not to????? What the fuck is wrong with you people???? Ladies – you might as well be single! How can you not appreciate the fact knowing that there will always be a penis available. Yes, a clean, safe, and hopefully “a jewish below the waist” type penis available every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life. Yo..that is the only reason I would ever get married! Honest man = safe sex.

Note to the ladies -Take advantage of the free porn on the internet. Yes – pornhub.com Do your research – learn to give an amazing blow job. If you truly love someone.. it is the least you can do for crying out loud!! Ah! Gee-whiz! (Doing my best mad dog impression. Freakin’ Russo …haha Love that guy!)

I Dated a 6!! Dear God …I miss a 6! How does one miss a 6?

My three goals for the New Year:

1. Finish recording my songs

2. Date someone who is at least a 6

3. Date someone who is at least a 5 if all failed with encountering a 6.
I am proud to announce that I am in the midst of accomplishing my 1st goal. However, due to the injury I sustained on the subway, it set me back a bit. I was not able to commute back and forth to Williamsburg from Washington Heights, since I was not able to actually walk. Although, I am now able to walk and ride the subway! My cast came off a week ago!  Now, goal number 2…I would like to think I have succeeded in this goal. I will admit I am not the greatest in math, as my regular readers are well aware of, but I would like to believe this guy was at least a 6! Truth be told..in my mind he was beyond a 10! I thought he was hot… However others have told me that I am insane and that there is no rational number that could define this individual. I digress.

I recently “binged” Sex and the City. My intestines nearly ruptured and my esophagus is in spasm…The thought of using the word “binged” is devastating to not only my mind but my body. I think I am going to puke. Nevertheless, I “binged” Sex and the City. The reason I am mentioning this is it somewhat inspired me to be more intimate with my “blogs”. HAH! Now it is your turn to vomit. I have never given a shit about one single person I have dated after the fact. In some cases I never really gave a shit while I was dating them…But – I never dated anyone long enough to really care I suppose…I feel like I am experiencing the harshest form of karma. I dated someone quite briefly earlier this year and I still actually give a shit! (Yes – this is the 6 or 10..at least then he was a perfect 10..Since everything good about him that made him a 10 is nonexistent..he is a 6) I don’t understand how this possible…I have thought about this over and over for days..fuck days..for months! I still cannot understand how or why I still feel anything for this person. How can you feel something for someone who clearly could give a fuck about you? So, the only explanation I can come up with, is that this is karma! Plain and simple – karma. The worst part…excuse me while I upchuck again..I actually miss this person .That was rough to “actually” type. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is the most pathetic thing I have ever written. It makes no sense..I can’t digest this…Well, clearly I cannot digest this..ha. I actually miss this persons voice. I know..I know..if I could send all of you lovely readers Pepto through the computer screen I would…At least I am not the only one cringing. Yeah, I Samantha actually uttered the words “I miss this person’s voice”. I should be shot for these pathetic feelings. I am beyond disgusted with myself. Don’t worry! I am aware there is something clearly fucking wrong with me. You would think I was married to this person for 10 years or was involved for like 5 years or something the way I am carrying on. I can assure you that was not the case. The actual time frame, is something that I will not share. I have already shattered the illusion of being this strong, logical, hardcore chick. Then again, I might as well just reveal the time frame -hah. (I met them in January…and that is all your are getting. It ended not shortly after ha.)

I actually feel a lot better…Damn…that was a rather cathartic post. I believe I’ve just come to a great revelation! Maybe it is not that I was disappointed in this person, maybe it was that I was disappointed in myself for not being the strong and logical person that I am to a lot of people and have given into the illusion myself of being. Now that I have accepted I was acting like a little bitch and still being a bitch about it, it has enabled me to accept this side of me. It is ok to care. It is ok to care about people even when they don’t care about you. What is wrong with caring? I rather care than not care. It is much healthier to have an open heart and allow yourself to get hurt than have a closed heart.

Let this be the one thing I can impart to you. If you meet someone who is afraid – take a cue from them and run away….You are better off taking your chances and ending up dating an asshole than dating someone who is afraid. Once you realize they are an asshole – end it! Best part about assholes..they give you great material for sterling stories..

Ball – Bustaaah

ballbusterA professor asked the class to write a couple paragraphs about ourselves including where we were born, why we are taking this course, our major, hobbies, and other interesting facts. I am an asshole – I can admit that – but one adjective or a sentence would not suffice. So, naturally I was forced to proceed with a paragraph. I do not have a bio or an about me section on this website, so I figured why not utilize this…this shit. 

Continue reading “Ball – Bustaaah”

tour·ist (trst) n. One who travels for pleasure.

Fun in Greneda
Fun in Greneda

tour·ist (trst)
How many tourists have come and gone in your life? Or has there been one particular tourist whom you keep allowing to check-in? I suppose you could send a damage bill. However, were there any regulatory measures established? Now, you may certainly elect to ban this tourist, or you could request a security deposit upon their next arrival.

The beauty of tourism is simply pleasure! No responsibilities, no commitments. You will experience the best weather, the best part of town, the best food, simply the best of everything. From the moment you arrive, you are in a continual state of bliss! Why would anyone leave? Well my dears, the idea traveling for pleasure is indeed a great idea. Every tourist knows there are many other great destinations. Why settle in Maui, when you can travel to Antigua or to Paris next week? – More often than not people eventually nest in an area they once roamed as a tourist, and they realize after a week- it was all an illusion. It is funny people forget that they must make their own bed, they must take out their own trash, they must prepare their own meals, they must shovel their own snow… The grass does not stay green year round, and the sun certainly does not shine for the weeks you plan it to. Honestly, I can not think of one good reason why anyone would settle!
I will say this… For those of you who harbor an abundance of sentimental feelings and stare at bananas hoping to finally see the brown spots form – Stare at fucking peaches, or try to drink the rain. (Honestly, that is your life; it’s your business, not mine! I am not going to tell you what to do.) The point is – THIS -When your finances start to dwindle, you will not be able to check-in to the most luxurious resorts. When your health declines, and youth starts to fade, you will still have room-service…When you decide you want to retire early and live off of twinkles and beer, there will always be a motel6..

I am not a tourist, and I am certainly not The Four Seasons. When the love is right, I would rather live with a man throughout his dealings with some extra weight, baldness, ED..(just saying..we are human..shit happens!), than a tourist. Simply because that man will think twice before checking out.

Continue reading “tour·ist (trst) n. One who travels for pleasure.”

Matter of Survival

Vietnam 1968 (my pops)

I have come to realize when danger stares you in the face – stare right through. Do not blink- Do not hesitate. The moment you show weakness, is the most critical moment of your life. You either give fear the power to dictate your fate, or allow yourself  to utilize the most powerful armor- self control. Self-control outweighs any type of tactical swat gear.  Self-control encompasses patience, vigilance, and the wisdom to prevent yourself from using too much caution.

Regardless the type of struggle you are facing, a struggle is a struggle. Pain, is pain. Never compare your hardships or struggles to that of another individual. The pain you are feeling is real – That justifies your feelings and the fact your struggle is indeed significant, and should not be minimized. Once you’ve minimized  your hardships, they become buried beyond the point of recognition. Never stand idle and allow your fears to infiltrate your mind.
No fear- no pain is ever to small to overtake a man and seal one’s fate.

 

The title of this post was inspired by Chris Noel.

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Overtly Sarcastic..

The excitement that permeates throughout my bones, when I narrow my course selection for each semester! As each year passes my yearning for the past grows fonder. Just the thought, let alone the process, of choosing my course schedule, engenders very special nostalgic memories and feelings. For a moment I felt like a child making a Christmas list. There are so many courses I want to take! I wish I could take them all! The reality of it is Santa is not going to bring me a doctoral degree this Christmas, and I am surely not going to earn it any sooner than originally planned by electing to take the entire catalog of courses.

I have decided for the sake of time to only register for what is required. I love how I just granted such significance to “TIME”. There is nothing I loathe more than hypocrisy, especially when one is aware of that she speaks.
“Time is incapable of showing mercy, it will not go back, it will not go forward, and it will not stop. I am not a dreamer which is why I cannot create a fallacy, as a consolatory effort to believe time is on my side. Time has significance, but nothing more than the simplicity of structure. I do not know myself entirely, but I am human; I am a female. I do not feel I lack self control, I just feel a ridiculous amount of money will result in an absurd amount of unnecessary shit. In terms of abundance, I only have a desire for an abundant harvest.” (Excerpt from one of my rants 2008)

I work hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Aside from the physical workouts, I “exercise” my mind by writing poems and writing lyrics for my songs. I also tend to stay home on Friday, and Saturday nights and do math for fun, as opposed to going out to clubs and bars which ultimately lead to AGE IN THE FACE and nothing I desire. Math is my weakness (ah- exposed!), which is why I am determined to make it my strength.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” -T. Edison
This is something I must do for myself, and the greatest reward is that NOBODY can take it away. So, if I have to lose lovers or even jobs over my goals, it is worth it! Lovers, jobs, come and go. The only “lover” worth keeping is one who can restore your own faith enabling you to believe in each other. My family and friends support me, as I support myself ,which ultimately is the only support that matters.
The whole world can believe in you, and if you do not have faith in yourself shall it remain unjust!

Cover Letter – heh…

image002A friend referred me to a talent agency in NYC and the agency requested a “cover letter” along with my resume, and non-existent demo reel. So, naturally, the nut that I am …well… :

 

My name is Samantha D’Giff. (The last name is of Russian descent..I  know you were wondering.)
I am an actor, singer, and a writer. I am a rather unconventional breed .. In other words, I am freakin’ insane. I have more ailments than a 90 year old woman. I literally have a specialist for each part of my body, and even parts I didn’t know they had specialists for…I was just referred to a nephrologist by my gastro ..heh. Oh, and I have severe IBS, but I am pretty hot, so it all evens out. What other background information can I offer….And yes, I am an “actor” from “South Florida”…I am a native Floridan. In the event your intuitions have been apprehended by my “charm”, leading you to think otherwise. I know I tend to exude that unbridled “starkness” of those from the Utah country. Just imagine me saying that like James Cagney…I don’t know even know who hell he is to be honest…But, I actually do an amazing Aaron Neville impression. I am not going to lie, it is pretty fantastic. Anyway, I could engineer an entire video reel of the major motion pictures I have done, along with cell phone captures of speeches from the various academy awards I have won, but you know all this! You’ve seen it! I’d say its rather superfluous.. Again, I am unconventional I suppose..I will be staying in Brooklyn Heights, on Montague St, till the 10th, if you want to send me flowers or candy.  I truly enjoy performing, and I do apologize if this was offensive in any way, that certainly was not my intent. Although, if you were offended…this isn’t the right industry for you…just saying. All jest aside, I do love to perform and Florida is rather limiting in terms of commercial castings and castings in general, so this is why I am seeking out opportunities with your agency.