My three goals for the New Year:
1. Finish recording my songs
2. Date someone who is at least a 6
3. Date someone who is at least a 5 if all failed with encountering a 6.
I am proud to announce that I am in the midst of accomplishing my 1st goal. However, due to the injury I sustained on the subway, it set me back a bit. I was not able to commute back and forth to Williamsburg from Washington Heights, since I was not able to actually walk. Although, I am now able to walk and ride the subway! My cast came off a week ago! Now, goal number 2…I would like to think I have succeeded in this goal. I will admit I am not the greatest in math, as my regular readers are well aware of, but I would like to believe this guy was at least a 6! Truth be told..in my mind he was beyond a 10! I thought he was hot… However others have told me that I am insane and that there is no rational number that could define this individual. I digress.
I recently “binged” Sex and the City. My intestines nearly ruptured and my esophagus is in spasm…The thought of using the word “binged” is devastating to not only my mind but my body. I think I am going to puke. Nevertheless, I “binged” Sex and the City. The reason I am mentioning this is it somewhat inspired me to be more intimate with my “blogs”. HAH! Now it is your turn to vomit. I have never given a shit about one single person I have dated after the fact. In some cases I never really gave a shit while I was dating them…But – I never dated anyone long enough to really care I suppose…I feel like I am experiencing the harshest form of karma. I dated someone quite briefly earlier this year and I still actually give a shit! (Yes – this is the 6 or 10..at least then he was a perfect 10..Since everything good about him that made him a 10 is nonexistent..he is a 6) I don’t understand how this possible…I have thought about this over and over for days..fuck days..for months! I still cannot understand how or why I still feel anything for this person. How can you feel something for someone who clearly could give a fuck about you? So, the only explanation I can come up with, is that this is karma! Plain and simple – karma. The worst part…excuse me while I upchuck again..I actually miss this person .That was rough to “actually” type. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is the most pathetic thing I have ever written. It makes no sense..I can’t digest this…Well, clearly I cannot digest this..ha. I actually miss this persons voice. I know..I know..if I could send all of you lovely readers Pepto through the computer screen I would…At least I am not the only one cringing. Yeah, I Samantha actually uttered the words “I miss this person’s voice”. I should be shot for these pathetic feelings. I am beyond disgusted with myself. Don’t worry! I am aware there is something clearly fucking wrong with me. You would think I was married to this person for 10 years or was involved for like 5 years or something the way I am carrying on. I can assure you that was not the case. The actual time frame, is something that I will not share. I have already shattered the illusion of being this strong, logical, hardcore chick. Then again, I might as well just reveal the time frame -hah. (I met them in January…and that is all your are getting. It ended not shortly after ha.)
I actually feel a lot better…Damn…that was a rather cathartic post. I believe I’ve just come to a great revelation! Maybe it is not that I was disappointed in this person, maybe it was that I was disappointed in myself for not being the strong and logical person that I am to a lot of people and have given into the illusion myself of being. Now that I have accepted I was acting like a little bitch and still being a bitch about it, it has enabled me to accept this side of me. It is ok to care. It is ok to care about people even when they don’t care about you. What is wrong with caring? I rather care than not care. It is much healthier to have an open heart and allow yourself to get hurt than have a closed heart.
Let this be the one thing I can impart to you. If you meet someone who is afraid – take a cue from them and run away….You are better off taking your chances and ending up dating an asshole than dating someone who is afraid. Once you realize they are an asshole – end it! Best part about assholes..they give you great material for sterling stories..