Selected letters of The Narcissist

dostoevsky

Selected letters of The Narcissist

Notes from underground : Fyodora

Humility. Heh.. What is humility? I will tell you what humility is; it is a farce; it’s a mere sham dire farce. It’s a mask that these insufferable blockheads use in the most vain attempt to enshroud the height of their sanctimonious, and contemptuous Madame de Maintenon personas.

I do not believe in the appeal of what they call this “humble” behavior, this unadulterated “virgin” like behavior. I’d never dare to partake in any such behavior, and find it desperate, pathetic, and as inadequate upon frolicking with a virgin leading to an anticlimactic dismal affair. Continue reading “Selected letters of The Narcissist”

take the JOB out of BLOW JOB

take the JOB out of BLOW JOB

Nothing frustrates me more than frustrated married women, or frustrated women in relationships. As much as it disgusts me to hear women express their displeasure when the store doesn’t have the latest Jimmy Choo’s in their size..then proceed to break out their living will and cry incessantly till their “bestie” suggests to do a mani/pedi/ and indulge in a Tall, Half-Caff, Soy Latte At 120 Degrees to cheer them up. Shit..I veered off onto the path of female lunacy for a minute. I am sorry but I cannot respect a woman who can utter the word BESTIE. Nevertheless..As much as that disgusts me, nothing disgusts me more than women who complain about their husbands always wanting a blow job. Now before the onslaught of remarks commence… such as: “Oh well…Sam..you are not married and you have no idea what it is like or what you are talking about..Oh well Sam marriage changes everything…” Let me say this…if your sex life is non existent or has plummeted heavily post marriage then you are in a terrible fucking marriage! I am beyond dumbfounded by the ungodly, harrowing, fucking consensus amongst married individuals how they tout once you are married your sex life is over. Yeah…Maybe if you are married to the wrong fucking person! That is NOT a healthy marriage. Just because you settled, or got married as an act of convenience, or were approaching “the age” and all your friends were married…etc.. etc….That most certainly does not make you an expert on married couple sex lives. In fact, you know NOTHING! Now, I recently had dinner with three women and one of them mentioned how their husband’s birthday is coming up ..Her exact words were as follows: “I hope he doesn’t think because it’s his birthday I am going to be giving him head. All he is getting is the lingerie from last year”. The other two women erupted with laughter; Naturally, I was appalled. I can’t imagine feeling this way towards someone I am supposedly “in love with”. I don’t know what is worse…The part about the blow job or the part about the lingerie! I truly feel for this poor sorry son of  bitch…Godspeed to you sir.

I will admit there was a time a blow job was most certainly a job or chore. There was nothing appealing about it….I won’t get into details. However, I met someone that I had really strong feelings for not too long ago and dare I say I might have been falling in love with this guy. Naturally, that is why it had to end – HA! That shit was scary as fuck! Another post for another time…Bottom line is, that was the first time in my life I actually enjoyed giving head. I never thought the day would come ( fuck you and your puns) that I would actually say “That was some good dick”. Now, I had dated people in the past and I still did it with a smile, but “deep down inside” the last thing I wanted to do was stick a dick in my mouth. This one particular guy, I can’t explain it…I just really enjoyed sucking his dick. THERE I SAID IT! The fact that I really cared about this person, made giving a “Blow job” nearly a necessity on my part..I craved it more than donuts and cupcakes and chocolate! I actually felt immense pleasure from the act because he felt immense pleasure. All the feelings of disgust I had towards blow jobs from past experiences had quickly waned and were renewed with feelings of excitement and joy! If you care deeply about someone you should want to make them feel good..not feel you have to.

It is very difficult for me to date because I have very high standards. Well maybe just one requirement : Honesty. You can keep the rest…Rich guys, tall guys, hot guys, smart guys, funny guys, come a dime a dozen. Honest guys are like those rare Susan B Anthony Coins. I love sex just as much as any man and I enjoy giving head just as much as any man enjoys receiving it. Only issue is, I just can’t engage with “any man”. I don’t enjoy casual sex…I am at an age where I just can’t do it. The men I date are typically 5-10 years older, and there is no way in hell I am letting a 40 year old penis penetrate any part of my body…God only knows where that has been within the 40 years of its existence. I can wait till I get to know someone and allow trust to grow before that goes anywhere near my mouth!  Now back to married bitches who complain about giving a blow job. Yes, this frustrates me! So, you are trying to tell me every morning you wake up and every night before you go to sleep – that you have a penis you can suck and you chose not to????? What the fuck is wrong with you people???? Ladies – you might as well be single! How can you not appreciate the fact knowing that there will always be a penis available. Yes, a clean, safe, and hopefully “a jewish below the waist” type penis available every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life. Yo..that is the only reason I would ever get married! Honest man = safe sex.

Note to the ladies -Take advantage of the free porn on the internet. Yes – pornhub.com Do your research – learn to give an amazing blow job. If you truly love someone.. it is the least you can do for crying out loud!! Ah! Gee-whiz! (Doing my best mad dog impression. Freakin’ Russo …haha Love that guy!)

I Dated a 6!! Dear God …I miss a 6! How does one miss a 6?

My three goals for the New Year:

1. Finish recording my songs

2. Date someone who is at least a 6

3. Date someone who is at least a 5 if all failed with encountering a 6.
I am proud to announce that I am in the midst of accomplishing my 1st goal. However, due to the injury I sustained on the subway, it set me back a bit. I was not able to commute back and forth to Williamsburg from Washington Heights, since I was not able to actually walk. Although, I am now able to walk and ride the subway! My cast came off a week ago!  Now, goal number 2…I would like to think I have succeeded in this goal. I will admit I am not the greatest in math, as my regular readers are well aware of, but I would like to believe this guy was at least a 6! Truth be told..in my mind he was beyond a 10! I thought he was hot… However others have told me that I am insane and that there is no rational number that could define this individual. I digress.

I recently “binged” Sex and the City. My intestines nearly ruptured and my esophagus is in spasm…The thought of using the word “binged” is devastating to not only my mind but my body. I think I am going to puke. Nevertheless, I “binged” Sex and the City. The reason I am mentioning this is it somewhat inspired me to be more intimate with my “blogs”. HAH! Now it is your turn to vomit. I have never given a shit about one single person I have dated after the fact. In some cases I never really gave a shit while I was dating them…But – I never dated anyone long enough to really care I suppose…I feel like I am experiencing the harshest form of karma. I dated someone quite briefly earlier this year and I still actually give a shit! (Yes – this is the 6 or 10..at least then he was a perfect 10..Since everything good about him that made him a 10 is nonexistent..he is a 6) I don’t understand how this possible…I have thought about this over and over for days..fuck days..for months! I still cannot understand how or why I still feel anything for this person. How can you feel something for someone who clearly could give a fuck about you? So, the only explanation I can come up with, is that this is karma! Plain and simple – karma. The worst part…excuse me while I upchuck again..I actually miss this person .That was rough to “actually” type. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is the most pathetic thing I have ever written. It makes no sense..I can’t digest this…Well, clearly I cannot digest this..ha. I actually miss this persons voice. I know..I know..if I could send all of you lovely readers Pepto through the computer screen I would…At least I am not the only one cringing. Yeah, I Samantha actually uttered the words “I miss this person’s voice”. I should be shot for these pathetic feelings. I am beyond disgusted with myself. Don’t worry! I am aware there is something clearly fucking wrong with me. You would think I was married to this person for 10 years or was involved for like 5 years or something the way I am carrying on. I can assure you that was not the case. The actual time frame, is something that I will not share. I have already shattered the illusion of being this strong, logical, hardcore chick. Then again, I might as well just reveal the time frame -hah. (I met them in January…and that is all your are getting. It ended not shortly after ha.)

I actually feel a lot better…Damn…that was a rather cathartic post. I believe I’ve just come to a great revelation! Maybe it is not that I was disappointed in this person, maybe it was that I was disappointed in myself for not being the strong and logical person that I am to a lot of people and have given into the illusion myself of being. Now that I have accepted I was acting like a little bitch and still being a bitch about it, it has enabled me to accept this side of me. It is ok to care. It is ok to care about people even when they don’t care about you. What is wrong with caring? I rather care than not care. It is much healthier to have an open heart and allow yourself to get hurt than have a closed heart.

Let this be the one thing I can impart to you. If you meet someone who is afraid – take a cue from them and run away….You are better off taking your chances and ending up dating an asshole than dating someone who is afraid. Once you realize they are an asshole – end it! Best part about assholes..they give you great material for sterling stories..

Cover Letter – heh…

image002A friend referred me to a talent agency in NYC and the agency requested a “cover letter” along with my resume, and non-existent demo reel. So, naturally, the nut that I am …well… :

 

My name is Samantha D’Giff. (The last name is of Russian descent..I  know you were wondering.)
I am an actor, singer, and a writer. I am a rather unconventional breed .. In other words, I am freakin’ insane. I have more ailments than a 90 year old woman. I literally have a specialist for each part of my body, and even parts I didn’t know they had specialists for…I was just referred to a nephrologist by my gastro ..heh. Oh, and I have severe IBS, but I am pretty hot, so it all evens out. What other background information can I offer….And yes, I am an “actor” from “South Florida”…I am a native Floridan. In the event your intuitions have been apprehended by my “charm”, leading you to think otherwise. I know I tend to exude that unbridled “starkness” of those from the Utah country. Just imagine me saying that like James Cagney…I don’t know even know who hell he is to be honest…But, I actually do an amazing Aaron Neville impression. I am not going to lie, it is pretty fantastic. Anyway, I could engineer an entire video reel of the major motion pictures I have done, along with cell phone captures of speeches from the various academy awards I have won, but you know all this! You’ve seen it! I’d say its rather superfluous.. Again, I am unconventional I suppose..I will be staying in Brooklyn Heights, on Montague St, till the 10th, if you want to send me flowers or candy.  I truly enjoy performing, and I do apologize if this was offensive in any way, that certainly was not my intent. Although, if you were offended…this isn’t the right industry for you…just saying. All jest aside, I do love to perform and Florida is rather limiting in terms of commercial castings and castings in general, so this is why I am seeking out opportunities with your agency.

 

A song dedicated to my friends

I want to dedicate this to all my friends – A cover of “That’s What Friends Are For”. I am truly singing from the heart.

 

 

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NOTE TO THE AUTHOR OF THE PIANO INSTRUMENTAL: I recorded this while streaming a cover of the song from youtube. Initially I sent this to one person as an audio text as a joke, so I did not save the link or know who the actual author is of the track. I made an attempt to search through youtube again, but I could not find the video…Should the author hear this and have a strong unnatural desire to kick my ass….I will certainly credit you, or remove it..whatever you wish..I will even go fuck myself too.

The Ducks….

strange things happen when you are an hour early to rehearsals…confined in an automobile.